This is a little break from my normal wedding posts to share with you something a bit more personal! My husband, Levi, and I just announced that we’re having a baby boy!! Due this September!
I wanted to celebrate the good news, but I also knew for awhile that I would want to follow up with a post on the back story of how we got here. It wasn’t long ago that I was one of those frustrated girls who felt defeated every time I saw another baby announcement online and wondered when it would get to be my turn.
Our story is by far not the most difficult story there is out there, but it’s one that had disappointment, confusion and victory, so I wanted to share.
If you relate to ANY of the phases or struggles I’m going to mention below, I’d love to chat with you more! You can email me email@example.com or send me an Instagram/Facebook message @michelehoustonphotography 🙂
Decision Making Wasn’t Easy
It’s important to start here because this is part of the process that NEVER gets talked about (at least, I couldn’t find it anywhere). Sometimes you don’t agree on when it’s time to have a baby.
Timing disagreements aren’t unusual for Levi and I, so we were familiar with how to navigate these conversations, but it was still difficult. As soon as I decide I want something, I want it RIGHT NOW. And Levi typically needs time to process before officially making a decision.
This time of disagreement didn’t feel extremely long, but it was even more difficult because I didn’t know anyone else who had this experience. I thought all the other dads out there just immediately jumped on board?! I know this isn’t true, but it made it harder not to place unfair expectations on Levi to “feel” a certain way when he simply needed room for his process.
I’m grateful he took it seriously enough to take time to process with God and I knew when he was ready, it was time!! And we both got to be really excited about it!!
The First Disappointment
We agreed on timing and I got off my birth control in July (side note: I think my birth control caused some issues after the fact, so if anybody wants to talk about that, too, hit me up! I have thoughts/suggestions!)
In August, I found out I was pregnant! Woohoo!! Positive pregnancy test and I got to tell Levi in the cute little way I had dreamed up. A few days later, I had what’s called a “chemical pregnancy” which essentially means a really really early miscarriage that’s like starting your period. It’s not traumatic, but really disappointing.
God’s Words & More Confusion
Over the next 3 months, I went on to have two more chemical pregnancies, each feeling more frustrating than the last. I had gotten pregnant 3 times in 5 months, but felt so defeated.
It’s important to mention that during this process I was praying – a lot – and feeling like God was telling me things, but they weren’t lining up with what was happening. I had gotten really accustomed to knowing when God was telling me something and having full confidence in it, and that was really shaken during this process.
I knew that regardless of what was happening, He had proved Himself GOOD to me so many other times that I had to just keep pressing on and see what happened.
My Break-Up with Fear & Getting Pregnant
I can’t tell you how much I HATED hearing people say “as soon as you stop trying to get pregnant, you’ll get pregnant!!” I told multiple people that “not thinking about things is just NOT me. It’s never going to happen.”
After the 3rd early miscarriage, I stopped caring about getting pregnant. I was over it and frustrated. A positive pregnancy test no longer had any joy in it for me, so I was done. While some of this was self-protection, I think it was mostly the breakdown of my OBSESSION with controlling this thing that is absolutely uncontrollable.
And for those waiting to get your “yes”, I’m sorry, but it truly did happen the FIRST MONTH I stopped trying to force it. Obviously, that’s not everyone’s story, but it’s more common than you’d think.
This time around, I didn’t even take a pregnancy test. It caused me more anxiety than necessary. I didn’t try to track or keep up with my symptoms. I told myself I’d wait until after my sister’s bachelorette weekend and then I’d call the doctor if I hadn’t started my period (that would be around 6 weeks which was the longest I had made it before).
Well.. the morning sickness HIT that weekend and I knew it was happening. We scheduled our first appointment and I was SO nervous going in, but the sound of the heartbeat put me at ease! It was really happening this time!!
So What the Heck Was God Doing?
Obviously, I can’t know everything for sure, but there are some really significant things I took from that time. I have really really struggled with allowing fear to take over my mind and with trying to control things that are God’s to handle. The past YEAR I had been asking God to remove those things from my life because I did not want them to be in me when I became a mom.
Funny enough, I had the sense that I would likely have a boy first. I KNEW it would be essential that my boy not be surrounded by a nervous and fearful mother trying to keep him from getting “hurt” by every little thing. I really wanted to be someone who prayed and trusted God for my kids, but I wasn’t (still am not) totally there yet.
I believe God was stripping me of those things in ways I can’t describe. Fears I had struggled with for as long as I can remember were totally gone after the 3rd and final miscarriage. I was heartbroken, but I felt like God was building me back up.
It’s not the path I would have chosen from the start, but it was so worth it. No, I don’t know what this means for those 3 early pregnancies that some people would say “didn’t even count yet”, but I’m believing it’s being taken care of by the best Father.
There are many more details and things I’ve learned through the process, but I didn’t want to keep making this longer!! If you have questions/thoughts/want to share your experience, I’d love to hear it! Oftentimes we’re alone in this process until we’re able to share the good news and by then, we’re fine.
Again, please message me on Instagram or Facebook or email me firstname.lastname@example.org!! I’d love to chat 🙂