June 26, 2020
“Wait” is a word I used to hate. I’ve been told that a strength of mine is helping people move forward, so oftentimes, waiting has felt like being stuck.
This past year has taught me a lot about waiting.. choosing it when I don’t want to, being FORCED to wait when I’m dying to move forward and learning how to embrace it and actually enjoy a time of waiting.
I’m currently 28 weeks pregnant (12 more weeks to go!) and I recently shared about the not-so-perfect journey to get here in a blog post (read it here).
At first, I was SO ready to see a positive pregnancy test.. and then I did and it ended in an early miscarriage. This continued to happen a total of 3 times over the course of 5 months. As I look back over that time.. and honestly many other seasons of my life.. I remember the stress I felt as I wanted to FORCE myself into the next season. Every season of waiting thus far, I felt so stuck. I thought I hadn’t done the “right things” for a “breakthrough” yet and I just needed to unlock some special code in God’s heart to let me move forward.
During this current season, I don’t question the waiting. I have 12 weeks left until my due date and I know I don’t get to meet our little guy until around that time. I don’t expect to know the exact date until it happens and I don’t worry over whether or not I’ll be “ready”. Pregnancy has made me realize that when I’m aware of the good things being built and formed during a season, I would never choose to rush it. I would never choose to meet my baby sooner if it meant he didn’t get to fully form in the best way possible.
Truthfully.. I think every “waiting” season is like this and God is a good parent who won’t take us out when we haven’t fully formed what we need yet. The thought has never crossed my mind that my baby hasn’t “done enough right things” to deserve his new season yet. I don’t blame him for needing more time to fully form.
During the season of waiting to get pregnant, I listen to the song “Nothing Else” by Cody Carnes on repeat. The chorus says “I just want You and nothing else. Nothing else will do.”
The lyrics were simple, but when I’d first start to sing them, I would realize how much that was NOT true in my heart. I’d have to listen to the song multiple times in a row before I could get there because the WANTING was taking over the trusting and resting in my God.
It was a practice I started simply because I didn’t know what else to do. God wasn’t telling me answer to the questions I had yet. Even the positive pregnancy tests weren’t a sign that “good things are coming”. I had no idea how long I’d be in that season, so eventually I just sat in it.
I’m so glad I did. I’m so glad that I had that time to develop a desire for God that goes beyond my desire for the “next thing” or the “next blessing”. Because being pregnant doesn’t come without A LOT of opportunity for fear and striving.. and I’m CERTAIN parenthood won’t be any different. Being able to lay down control and truly trust and desire God over the “perfect” pregnancy or outcome in my life has made every single stage filled with more joy and peace.